The Post I Never Wanted to Write...

Where to start. 

First of all, I never thought I'd want to write about this publicly. It's such a private thing. No one every talks about it... at least no one I've ever known in real life. But it happens every.single.day. - to women we know and all over the world; whether they talk about it openly or not. 

**Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.** - American Pregnancy Assoc.
Sept 17th:
SO excited and nervous to start this journey all over again! I remember my very first post on this blog. It's the whole reason I started blogging! Not for meal plans or crafty crap?! But life. So I could look back and remember what JOY it was to have a child. And to remember our life as young parents... even when I'm old and gray. 

So anyway, after a couple of days of just letting it sink in I decide I need to run myself right over to Carter's and get Landon a "big brother" shirt cause gosh dangit... here we go again!!! YAY!

By the night of my birthday I was almost exploding with excitement but I still didn't want to announce anything just yet. I had plans to go out and I just wanted to enjoy the night! Despite having to "pretend" pour a pocket shot of booze into my soda - I had an awesome night :) 

The next few days pass and I'm realizing that I need to finally figure out a doctor over here. I'm still really missing Dr. C. :( So, I figure what's a few more days or maybe a week to tell everyone until after I find a new doctor?! I find Dr. J - she's a midwife and delivers at the hospital I prefer so I decide to give her the first chance. If I don't like her... I can always switch. First appointment scheduled for Oct. 10th... what I thought should be 8 weeks. 

Sept 25th:
That very day, I started spotting. Joy. Let freak-out mode ensue. It's supposed to be normal though. I had done a light workout that day so I thought I just overdid it. By that evening it had seemed to have stopped. Thank god. 

The next day I had a very fun meetup with a group of friends and their little ones. I was feeling good. Look how cute our babies are!

We're not so bad lookin' either! :) 

Later that night it started again. I was hoping it was just cause I'd been up and about all day but by the next morning it was no better so I called the office that I was to see on the 10th and they got me in that morning. 

Sept 27th:
Remember this guy???? I like to call it the Vag Cam. 

Well, that thing that gave us such good news with Landon at 7 weeks and 3 days when we saw his heartbeat for the first time gave me the worst news ever... "there's no baby in there," says the nurse practitioner. 
She tells me either it's earlier in the pregnancy than I think, I'm having a miscarriage or there's a possibility that it's an ectopic pregnancy. 

::punchmeinthegut:: 

I'm to go up to the lab for 3 consecutive blood draws over the course of 4 days that will give us my actual HcG levels and give us a more clear picture of what's going on. 
I literally have to hold back tears on my way up to the lab, through that first draw and to my car... where I break down. How can they see... nothing?! When I feel so... pregnant?!

This sucks. 

I get a call around 4pm that day to tell me that there's no worry of an ectopic pregnancy and that my HcG level is 40.7. Low... but pregnant. I'm to go back in two days and that number needs to at least double for this pregnancy to be viable. 

Sept 28th:
Serious.back.pain. and cramping. Can I please have an epidural? Oh wait...?! 
Dr. Google is never good at this point - just sayin'.

Sept 29th:
The floodgates open (if you know what I mean) and I'm stuck in the fetal position. This.is.painful. I don't even want to go to the lab for the blood draw because I already know in my heart what's happening in there. 
I muster up the energy to go and of course since it's Saturday, there's no chance in getting the results until Monday when the doctor's office opens at 8am. Ugh. 

I had a pretty busy weekend so I actually made it through without thinking about it too much.

Oct 2nd:
I called the office right at 8am even though I already knew what was happening. I didn't want to wait to hear it but they had to call me back. What seemed like an eternity (2 hours) I finally get the call. 

Number has dropped.

I didn't even ask what the number was so I have no clue. We're to wait until I get my period to "try again." Yay. Oh, and I have to go back in another week to make sure the number is back to zero. Double yay.

So at this point it just sucks. Life sucks. It's unfair. I'm mad and it seems like everyone around me who is pregnant or was trying to get pregnant is having a baby or peeing some seriously potent HcG. Eff you "natural selection." Eff you "nature's way."

Oct 5th:
I go back for my final blood draw... A Friday of course so they can't call till Monday. But when I get the results they are less than 1, which I guess in the world of miscarriage is good cause that means it all happened naturally.

Anyway... I'm still sad.mad.bitter.jealous.resentful.hurt. I imagine some of those things will never go away but they are getting better day by day.

But... I'm ok. I'll be ok. We'll have another baby - I guess this just wasn't the right time for us. 

I Will Always Remember...

Wow... what a struggle bedtime has become.

I know it's mostly because Landon doesn't have his own room right now. If I haven't mentioned it, we all share a room. 
He is still in his crib but can easily climb right out so most nights we don't really care where he starts off as long as he falls asleep. Then when I go to bed I move him to his crib if he isn't already there. 

We do the same routine every.single.night. 

But without a doubt the struggle begins after we've bathed. After we've had some milk and gotten into jammies. After we've brushed his teeth and read a story. We "tuck tuck" him in with his blanket (naney) and his George. And said goodnight. 

I barely make it downstairs before he's up and I hear his little feet running across the ceiling from below. 

**sigh**

So up I go, then down, and up... then back down. Then I wait at the top of the stairs. Nothing will keep this kid in bed. 

He goes in his bed, he jumps down. I put him in our bed, he jumps down. I threaten, he laughs. I give him a choice... what's the point, he'll just get out anyway and pick the other thing. =/ It's SO frustrating. 

And don't even get me started if Adam wants to go to bed before Landon has settled on where he's going to lay down... go ahead and add another hour to the struggle since my hubs falls asleep in 2.2 seconds and acrobatics from Landon doesn't phase him once he's out. 

We need separate bedrooms. 

Eventually, he settles and then he's out. Bliss...

One of my tactics is laying with him - at least then I can remind him to lay down if he's getting antsy instead of repeatedly going up and down the stairs. I don't mind snuggling with him but I do like my "alone" time after he's in bed so sometimes I get frustrated if he continues the antics. 

Last night I got a little reminder that it's just a phase... it'll pass... and sometimes you'll never want to forget these times cause no matter how frustrating it is - he's growing up SO fast. 
We were laying there snuggling. I had my hand on his tummy and he was finally starting to zonk out. 
I kissed him on the forehead and whispered, "G'night Landon, I love you."

He whispers back, "I love you too momma."

And then he's asleep. Where did my little baby go??? I'm not sure but this little boy he's becoming melts my heart! 

And that's one thing I will always remember. 

BBQ Chicken Pizza

Hrm... what to do with this?

A lil' pizza I reckon :) Mmmmm... I'm giving this one a little twist.

So first we need to get a batch of pizza dough going. Mine takes 1 hr and 40 min in the bread-maker on "dough" cycle. The recipe can be found here.

So I take that chicken and shred it on up. Then I take a little of this:

And this:

Yes, that's an apple. And then some of this:

I'd prefer Sweet Baby Rays but for whatever reason, this is what we had in the fridge. I never buy this... where did it even come from?! Anyway.

Slice up that apple (remove the core please.)

Then heat your pan with some oil.

Throw that onion on in...

Saute it until it's nice and caramelized. Yum. I forgot to take a picture.

Now remember that pizza dough that we started with? Now it's go time. My recipe makes two crusts so split that baby in half and you can either make two types or it freezes well.

Throw down some cornmeal and roll that sucker out to your desired thickness on a pizza stone or you can press it into a pizza maker like I've been doing. I loooooove my pizza maker :)

Slather on that BBQ sauce.

Then I topped it with mozzarella cheese, chicken, bacon (I had leftover from breakfast), those yummy caramelized onions, and you guessed it... apple slices.

Now all I did was plug in my pizza maker and in 8 minutes my pizza was done! I've used my pizza stone in the past as well and you'll want to cook for 18-20 min in a 400 degree oven.

The apples really melt into the pizza and just add a little tang... sort of like a pineapple?! Anyway, enjoy!

Terrible Two's

He's not terrible... the two's are terrible.

Fact.

This is how we spent our day.

Pin-Test #1

So I've been addicted to Pinterest lately. Like bad. 

I saw this pin a LONG time ago and knew instantly I wanted to try it. I want one for myself actually but one of my best friends was getting married and since I conveniently took some of her engagement pictures (check them out!) I had some good pictures of her and her soon-to-be hubs and I had to pintest this on her gift! :)

So here we go!

What I used:

• 2 scraps of 2x4
• 2 scraps of 1x2 (I might use 2x2 if I do it again)
• 2 different pieces of coordinating scrapbook paper - her wedding colors were navy, pink and white so I tried to find something that would go well with that. 
• Sticky letters/numbers
• A cute embellishment
• Mod Podge
• A foam brush

I did not cut this wood! Adam helped me with that... and we didn't take measurements - I eyeballed what I wanted and he made the cuts!

He helped me sand it all down too. What a guy!

I got super nervous at this point cause my letters that I bought didn't seem like they were going to fit. I had a minor freak out but in the end I put the letters aside and moved on...

I cut pieces of scrapbook paper out to a little below the size of my boards so you could see some exposed wood. Then I let that dry... notice my wine??? ;)

I started the stick on letters with the date... it seemed like a less daunting task than the quote. Like?

Then came the letters. Oiy. That took a steady hand and a good eye. I made Adam watch me and make sure every letter was straight and in line before I really pushed them down to stick!

Then to put it all together! I got REALLY excited at this point! :) So cute!

Now I broke out the Mod Podge... I slathered that thing like no tomorrow. I really wanted it to shine and I wanted to make sure the paper would never come up!

Then, I went to bed :)

Day 2: I went through all their engagement pictures that were vertical and printed these two that I really liked. I think the one with their puppers CoCo was more relaxed and I know how much they love her so I picked that one. And I glued that sucker on too!

All that was left was another coat of Mod Podge and that little embellishment on the smallest 1x2!

When it was dry I used wood glue to glue all the pieces together. If I make one for myself I probably will skip this step cause I'll know how to set it on my mantle or wherever but since it was going on their gift table I didn't want a piece to get lost or something?! I didn't even bother to wrap it - just tied a bow around it and put my card by it. I'm SO happy with how it turned out!

Congrats again Kevin & Alexis!

Everyone else, happy pinning!!! What have you tried lately that actually worked????

heat wave and a picture splosion!

It was HOT today... we were in the pool all.freaking.day.

Seriously.

Anyway, Landon loves the pool. Landon loves being outside. That pretty much sums up his loves these days. :) 

revamp

In hopes SOMETHING will get me blogging again... I revamped the place. Hope you like!