The Post I Never Wanted to Write...

Where to start. 

First of all, I never thought I'd want to write about this publicly. It's such a private thing. No one every talks about it... at least no one I've ever known in real life. But it happens every.single.day. - to women we know and all over the world; whether they talk about it openly or not. 

**Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.** - American Pregnancy Assoc.
Sept 17th:
SO excited and nervous to start this journey all over again! I remember my very first post on this blog. It's the whole reason I started blogging! Not for meal plans or crafty crap?! But life. So I could look back and remember what JOY it was to have a child. And to remember our life as young parents... even when I'm old and gray. 

So anyway, after a couple of days of just letting it sink in I decide I need to run myself right over to Carter's and get Landon a "big brother" shirt cause gosh dangit... here we go again!!! YAY!

By the night of my birthday I was almost exploding with excitement but I still didn't want to announce anything just yet. I had plans to go out and I just wanted to enjoy the night! Despite having to "pretend" pour a pocket shot of booze into my soda - I had an awesome night :) 

The next few days pass and I'm realizing that I need to finally figure out a doctor over here. I'm still really missing Dr. C. :( So, I figure what's a few more days or maybe a week to tell everyone until after I find a new doctor?! I find Dr. J - she's a midwife and delivers at the hospital I prefer so I decide to give her the first chance. If I don't like her... I can always switch. First appointment scheduled for Oct. 10th... what I thought should be 8 weeks. 

Sept 25th:
That very day, I started spotting. Joy. Let freak-out mode ensue. It's supposed to be normal though. I had done a light workout that day so I thought I just overdid it. By that evening it had seemed to have stopped. Thank god. 

The next day I had a very fun meetup with a group of friends and their little ones. I was feeling good. Look how cute our babies are!

We're not so bad lookin' either! :) 

Later that night it started again. I was hoping it was just cause I'd been up and about all day but by the next morning it was no better so I called the office that I was to see on the 10th and they got me in that morning. 

Sept 27th:
Remember this guy???? I like to call it the Vag Cam. 

Well, that thing that gave us such good news with Landon at 7 weeks and 3 days when we saw his heartbeat for the first time gave me the worst news ever... "there's no baby in there," says the nurse practitioner. 
She tells me either it's earlier in the pregnancy than I think, I'm having a miscarriage or there's a possibility that it's an ectopic pregnancy. 

::punchmeinthegut:: 

I'm to go up to the lab for 3 consecutive blood draws over the course of 4 days that will give us my actual HcG levels and give us a more clear picture of what's going on. 
I literally have to hold back tears on my way up to the lab, through that first draw and to my car... where I break down. How can they see... nothing?! When I feel so... pregnant?!

This sucks. 

I get a call around 4pm that day to tell me that there's no worry of an ectopic pregnancy and that my HcG level is 40.7. Low... but pregnant. I'm to go back in two days and that number needs to at least double for this pregnancy to be viable. 

Sept 28th:
Serious.back.pain. and cramping. Can I please have an epidural? Oh wait...?! 
Dr. Google is never good at this point - just sayin'.

Sept 29th:
The floodgates open (if you know what I mean) and I'm stuck in the fetal position. This.is.painful. I don't even want to go to the lab for the blood draw because I already know in my heart what's happening in there. 
I muster up the energy to go and of course since it's Saturday, there's no chance in getting the results until Monday when the doctor's office opens at 8am. Ugh. 

I had a pretty busy weekend so I actually made it through without thinking about it too much.

Oct 2nd:
I called the office right at 8am even though I already knew what was happening. I didn't want to wait to hear it but they had to call me back. What seemed like an eternity (2 hours) I finally get the call. 

Number has dropped.

I didn't even ask what the number was so I have no clue. We're to wait until I get my period to "try again." Yay. Oh, and I have to go back in another week to make sure the number is back to zero. Double yay.

So at this point it just sucks. Life sucks. It's unfair. I'm mad and it seems like everyone around me who is pregnant or was trying to get pregnant is having a baby or peeing some seriously potent HcG. Eff you "natural selection." Eff you "nature's way."

Oct 5th:
I go back for my final blood draw... A Friday of course so they can't call till Monday. But when I get the results they are less than 1, which I guess in the world of miscarriage is good cause that means it all happened naturally.

Anyway... I'm still sad.mad.bitter.jealous.resentful.hurt. I imagine some of those things will never go away but they are getting better day by day.

But... I'm ok. I'll be ok. We'll have another baby - I guess this just wasn't the right time for us. 

I Will Always Remember...

Wow... what a struggle bedtime has become.

I know it's mostly because Landon doesn't have his own room right now. If I haven't mentioned it, we all share a room. 
He is still in his crib but can easily climb right out so most nights we don't really care where he starts off as long as he falls asleep. Then when I go to bed I move him to his crib if he isn't already there. 

We do the same routine every.single.night. 

But without a doubt the struggle begins after we've bathed. After we've had some milk and gotten into jammies. After we've brushed his teeth and read a story. We "tuck tuck" him in with his blanket (naney) and his George. And said goodnight. 

I barely make it downstairs before he's up and I hear his little feet running across the ceiling from below. 

**sigh**

So up I go, then down, and up... then back down. Then I wait at the top of the stairs. Nothing will keep this kid in bed. 

He goes in his bed, he jumps down. I put him in our bed, he jumps down. I threaten, he laughs. I give him a choice... what's the point, he'll just get out anyway and pick the other thing. =/ It's SO frustrating. 

And don't even get me started if Adam wants to go to bed before Landon has settled on where he's going to lay down... go ahead and add another hour to the struggle since my hubs falls asleep in 2.2 seconds and acrobatics from Landon doesn't phase him once he's out. 

We need separate bedrooms. 

Eventually, he settles and then he's out. Bliss...

One of my tactics is laying with him - at least then I can remind him to lay down if he's getting antsy instead of repeatedly going up and down the stairs. I don't mind snuggling with him but I do like my "alone" time after he's in bed so sometimes I get frustrated if he continues the antics. 

Last night I got a little reminder that it's just a phase... it'll pass... and sometimes you'll never want to forget these times cause no matter how frustrating it is - he's growing up SO fast. 
We were laying there snuggling. I had my hand on his tummy and he was finally starting to zonk out. 
I kissed him on the forehead and whispered, "G'night Landon, I love you."

He whispers back, "I love you too momma."

And then he's asleep. Where did my little baby go??? I'm not sure but this little boy he's becoming melts my heart! 

And that's one thing I will always remember.